Bad Boyfriends, President Trump and the danger of “I Told You So.”

We all know friends who have been in relationships that we just couldn’t explain.  No matter how hard we try to point out the blaring red flags in the other person, some sort of fear based concoction of low self-esteem and the desire to belong, blinds our friend to the dangers of that relationship.  It’s heart-breaking and soul-sucking and eventually apathy-inducing to all who can see the mire-laden labyrinth our friend is convinced looks like a happy home.  In time we simply walk away, no longer able to stand the awkward dinners, the side-stepping of real conversation and finally the attempts by our friends to justify bad behavior by pointing out that we aren’t perfect either.

We all want to stay available for those friends.  We want to say we will be there when everything comes crashing down around them.  But here’s the thing I’ve learned from watching too many of my friends forego what they know to be right for what they found to be immediate; they are more afraid of my “I told you so” than they are of losing themselves entirely.

But that’s most of us, isn’t it?  We hate being wrong and what’s more is we hate being told that we were wrong by the people we didn’t listen to.  There is a sense of judgement we avoid with all that can muster because in our minds, intangible judgement is harsher than tangible pain.  So we watch as people make themselves small and insignificant in hopes that boosting the ego of the bad boyfriend will one day make them nicer, or make them wake up to their responsibilities.  And all that occurs is a cycle of abuse, belittling, confrontation, and eventually a small gesture that puts the rose colored glasses firmly back in place and the circle completes itself.

Those small gestures are crucial to the bad boyfriend.  They aren’t grand gestures, they are the kinds of things that a co-worker would do for you if you asked, but coming from Mr. Worst Ever, they seem thoughtful and humanizing.  I distinctly remember a friend whose go-to story about how sweet her boyfriend was, was that he did her dishes when she was sick one time.  Was that nice of him?  Yes.  Is that a good enough reason to have him treat her like garbage the rest of the time?  No.  Never.  One small humanizing act on his part does not negate his constant dehumanization of her.

That is how I feel about Republicans and President Trump.  

I grew up in a very conservative part of the country.  I probably know more Republicans than I know Democrats and, you know what?  I like my friends who happen to vote differently than me.  I even love my family members who don’t wince at the term “Crooked Hillary.” But I can feel my apathy beginning to set it and that’s where I need to watch myself.  Because for every scandal, every illegal inquiry, every horrible thing Trump has said, my desire to shout “I TOLD YOU SO” would never be heard over the immediate defensiveness they have for their Presidentially bad boyfriend.  

The thing is, when you’re talking about a president, those small gestures can mean the world to some people.  In January 2018 President Trump signed into law the Family Caregivers Act to create a national plan to support family caregivers who word tirelessly to care for their loved ones with disabilities.  That was and is a really good thing.

In March 2018, President Trump signed into law the FOSTA act which allows people to to prosecute the proprietors of websites that promote online sex trafficking, effectively shutting down the Craigslist personal ads as well as the horrendous backpage.com.  This was and is a very good thing.  

I am grateful that the President was able to look past his need for nationalist rhetoric and constant self-engrandizement in order to truly help the vulnerable and marginalized populations of the country he has sworn to protect.

But that does not justify the rest of his behavior.  And we all know that.  We now that if a child says he’s sorry for hitting his brother in the face and goes and gives his brother a toy that doesn’t justify him continuing to torment his brother.  

So I have a plea for those who feel some sort of angst and and unease about supporting the man they voted for.  You can leave him.  You can walk away.  You can speak out against misogyny and racism and classism and utter laziness.  You can do all those things without having to point out all the things the democrats do and did wrong.  You can be free of him.  

I’m not asking you to join the ACLU and get a DFL sticker for your bumper.  This isn’t and “either-or” situation.  You can leave him and still be a Republican.  You can fight for a candidate that appeals to your passion and not your fears, one whose intellect matches that of previous members of your party that made you proud to be a Republican.  

And you can do it all without being afraid to hear me say “I told you so.”  Because I just want to be here for you when you walk away from the abuse.  You don’t have to support him just because you voted for him.  You aren’t beholden to his antics because if there is anything he’s shown the world, it is that he is beholden to no one but himself.  

We can disagree and still love each other and I love you enough to see you walk away from him and rediscover your true selves.  He isn’t the benchmark for goodness or rightness or party politics.  He definitely isn’t any sort of martyr for the Christian faith.  He is lying to you, all the time and you’re letting it happen by saying it’s “not that bad” or that “he misspoke.”

I’ve had friends who’ve had those boyfriends who “didn’t mean it” when he said horrible things or “it was just one time” when she showed up with a bruise on her cheek.  We stay for fear of what we don’t know, but I promise you the freedom exists and so do people who will truly honor yours instead of simply furthering theirs.

And for those of you whose votes listed to the other side of the aisle, those who saw the red flags and got tired of pointing them out and instead huddled together, laughing and point and scheming against your friend's bad boyfriend, you are not in the clear either.  This is not the time for Facebook memes stating what you said all along.  This is not the space for public demands of apology from private individuals.  This is the time to give encouragement, honest to goodness encouragement.  Not patronizing and belittling language of understanding they "just didn't know any better."  Taking shots at the identity your friends have built in the wrong person isn't going to win them over, it's just going to build more walls.  And unless you've forgotten, you're against walls, remember?

I dislike bad boyfriends because they hurt people I care about. But the worst thing is they convince my friends I don't care about them and sometimes my friends believe the bad boyfriends.  And therein lies the greatest danger in all of it, the misinformation that is never clarified by the courage of facing an awkward interaction or asking a tough question and then we are left thinking we hate each other.  

I don't hate you, I don't even hate him, I just know he's not good enough for you and I love you too much to see you end up like him.