I have realized since becoming pregnant my awareness has
become heightened to the flood of unsolicited advice courtesy of the following
two things: my mommy spidey-sense (which oddly enough allows me to see spiders
everywhere and I am not a fan) and the fact that when there is a baby in you, everyone is an
expert. When I say everyone, I am
casting a really wide blanketed statement across the general population because,
well, it's true.
I am a woman, that right there should speak volumes as to
the volumes of unsolicited advice I've received in my short 28 years. I am also a pastor's wife, a photographer
(read: artist), a youth leader, a writer, an oxygen-breather, and most recently
a mom. All are areas of my life where
advice is needed, all are areas where I have sought the counsel of others, and
all are areas where another counsel (most likely in league with the Legion of
Doom), unbeknownst to me, gathered to take on the task of advising me in hit
& stun* fashion.
*Hit
& Stun: Ali's made up term for quick interludes where the information
imparted is unnecessary and possibly offensive but does not leave time for a
reply.
So I would like to do my part in the world of the
voluntarily verbose and impart some of my own recommendations you didn't ask me
to give you concerning your life. The
irony here, is even though the title is "Unsolicited Advice" you're
still reading, which means you are actively seeking this advice out. The same way you buy that copy of Glamour to
see how to look ten years younger only to find out it's common sense, like
drink more water or get more sleep. Are
you ready? Turn to page 78 for great new
tips!
Page 78: Today I take
on the topic of talking to pregnant ladies.
This could go on for a while but I will try stick to the basics, maybe
venturing for a sequel at a later date.
#1 Pregnant women are still WOMEN, not inanimate objects that you can't offend.
Think before you ask questions or
give any sort of comment. Remember the
miracle happening within them, giving them a glow that might be radiance and
could be sweat from morning sickness, does not preclude them from
feelings. Ask yourself, would I say this
to a woman who wasn't pregnant? If I
noticed a friend had gained weight, would I comment? If a co-worker looked tired would I remind
her that she looks haggard? Generally
the answer is no, if it's not then you need to examine the definition of tact.
#2 The first response to learning about a woman's pregnancy
is ALWAYS congratulations.
You would think that one is a
no-brainer. The last thing any woman
wants to hear is "I thought you were looking a little heavier, I just
didn't want to ask." That means
that people have been discussing her weight.
Let that sink in for a moment, her physical form has become a topic of
conversation but in a suspicious way. You
say congratulations and ask harmless questions such as "When are you
due?" or "How far along are you?" Unless you are good friends with the woman
and in a private setting you don't ask private questions. Which leads us to our next topic...
#3 You DO NOT ask if they were "trying."
Ask yourself, would I normally ask
this person about the frequency and protective state of their sex-life? (Remember?
That's how babies are made.) If
this not a person who you normally discuss intercourse with, why in God's name
do you feel free discussing it in the lobby of your office building? Moreover, if you are going to ask that
question please do not follow it with "or was this an accident?" Are you kidding me?!?! This person is having a baby, their precious
child is growing inside them! Planned or
not, my baby is not an accident, it's my baby, whom I love. This question got me so heated once I came
home and had a one-sided pillow fight with my headboard. Typing it out still makes me see feathers.
#4 "Are you sure there aren't twins in there?" Is
not funny
Courtesy of great advances in
medical technology it is literally impossible for a woman receiving regular
scheduled maternity visits at a western-medicine hospital or birthing center to
have twins and not know it. I don't care
if your brother's wife's business partner's daughter's second cousin found out
on delivery day that she was having twins, that doesn't happen anymore. But making light of the fact I feel like a
whale and closely resemble one doesn't make me feel better it makes me feel
like punching you. Case closed.
#5 STOP with the horror stories.
Why we as a society love pregnancy
horror stories is beyond me. Shows like
"I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant" should not be entertainment they
should be shown in jr. high sex-ed classes in a new "scared celibate"
curriculum. If you have a pregnancy
story, make it a great one in which the mom goes home with a healthy baby, her
husband and her arms and legs intact. No
pregnant woman wants to hear that horrible things can suddenly happen to her or
her unborn child, even if it is true.
Are you going to tell a kid going in to get his tonsils out about the complications
that arose for "this one guy I heard about" and now he can't move his
face anymore and has to eat through a tube in his stomach? I didn't think so, and if you would, you
should be ashamed of yourself.
#6 Always complement, never caveat.
Always tell a pregnant lady she
looks great, that she's doing well at whatever task she's working on, that
you're so impressed with her energy and strength. Then, do yourself a favor and stop there. Don't continue your uplifting statement with
a limitation to her goodness. Saying
"You look great, considering you're 36 weeks pregnant" is the
opposite of a complement. Would you like
someone to come up to you and say "You did such a great job at karaoke
tonight, especially considering how short you are." Nothing stings like a back-handed
"complement" except maybe being backhanded by a progesterone-laden
she-bear.
All in all, use common sense and please don't forget that
she will remember your negative or inappropriate comment much longer than the
sleeper set you got her at your office baby shower. Do your best to create a lasting impression,
just make it a good one.
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